I've been a bit busy lately, that's why I haven't really had the time to sit down and write an entry but it's come to that time. Life is stressful and so draining and usually in the day there isn't a moment for myself since I'm basically a housewife taking care of the house and my mom. It's not anyone's fault and there's nothing I can do to change the situation, it's just life and I just have to deal with it. It's going to be a lot harder when I'm studying though, however I think Shelley won't be working at UNISA during that time, so that is a big help.

Matt and I have been together for just over four months now and I think I've finally fallen in love with him. I love him and have loved him for a good long while now, I care about him so, so much but I was terrified of falling for him because last time I fell for someone, I thought I was sure and my heart was so broken. It's very different to how Gregg and I were which I wasn't sure about at first but I think Matt's really good for me and it's a lot safer and more emotional. He's got so much going on in his life and a lot of baggage but we work on it together and help each other out.

Now Matt and I are very honest about everything in our lives. He knows about Gregg and just about all that happened and how I felt for him and how I feel now, just like I know all about him and his ex. So on Thursday night Matt and I were talking and the subject of Gregg came up and I was telling him that I do still love Gregg only purely as a friend and that because he was my first love, I'll always have feelings for him (ie: a spot in my heart for him that no one can replace or touch, just as there is a place in my heart for Matt that no one can ever take away from). I do still care about Gregg and what happens to him because I think that's just who I am, I care too much about people whether or not they care about me. Anyway, at Gregg's birthday Matt over-heard something in the bathroom, Gregg talking about how he really liked someone and so came to the conclusion that he must be seeing someone. I thought it might be Lee and was really pleased to hear he might be moving on.
So around midnight on Thursday I get an sms on my phone and frowning ask Matt, "Who the hell is smsing me at this time of night?" I ignore it for a while and then go check it. It's from Gregg saying, "So what you up to?"

I frown deeply, shake my head and show Matt the sms. He is not too pleased. We carry on chatting and half an hour later I get another sms. I ignore it for a while until Matt says read it. It's from Gregg, "Thinking of you, not my fault."
I roll my eyes, shake my head and with a snort tell Matt, "He's probably just drunk, lonely and horny." Which actually made things worse and really, really pissed Matt off. Matt is a very passive guy and it takes a hell of a lot to get him angry, so when I saw him fuming it kinda scared me a little. I hated the position Gregg had just put me in and hated that Matt was so angry and thinking that maybe I liked getting these sms's from Gregg.
I got home, smsed Gregg saying, "Sorry for late reply, was hanging out with Matt. Why you thinking of me and why is it not your fault?"
"Just am and I know it's wrong". (So if you know it's wrong, why do it???)
"What's going on, I thought you were seeing someone?" (then a bit later) "Are you a bit drunk?"
"Definitely, so you should just ignore me, I'm dangerous this way. I apologize."

That's when I call him up, ask him what's going on, what the deal is. He is drunk, he's lonely and he's sorry for messing me around. I tell him straight that he's an idiot, he had his chance, he could have had me but he blew it and he agrees and says he knows but that he would have hurt me a lot more than he did, that he's a bad person, that he doesn't get to be happy and that he doesn't do relationships 'cause he's commitment phobic. I tell him he's an idiot and to get over it but he's drunk and will probably not remember. Oh and I was wrong about him seeing someone, which I was disappointed about.

I call up Matt afterward and tell him what we talked about, I keep apologizing but he tells me he's not angry with me and it's not my fault, he's just really pissed off with Gregg because it shows that he has no respect for Matt or for me.
To be honest, it disturbs me a little to know that Gregg still thinks of me like that and as a booty call and I kinda feel like our intimate moments have been tainted or something. I also feel bad that Matt wasn't the first person I was intimate with and now I feel dirty or something.
The crap thing now is, before there was no atmosphere and no awkwardness because Matt and Gregg got on great, Matt didn't have a problem with him at all but now he does and I don't know what to do when we run into him, if I should just be pleasant (no hugging or anything) or just blank him. I really hate that he's fucked things up in that regard now.

I feel like I'm going to explode. There's just so much going on inside me right now that I don't know what to do with it all and sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I need to find something to help me release these feelings. I can't cry (and when I do it doesn't help). I want to scream but I hold it in. I'm frustrated and scared and angry and I just cannot do it anymore.

I'm so tired. I'm so drained from this year, going to the hospital everyday for four months and I thought having my mom home would be better but in some ways it's worse and I feel so guilty for feeling the way I feel about all of this.
My life is not my own. All I've ever wanted, my whole life, is to have a career that I love and I'm good at, to be financially secure, to have a nice apartment and a nice car. That's what I want out of life, that's what I've always wanted. Having a boyfriend, getting married, having kids was never on my agenda and I always thought love was a distraction and a waste of time. I'm excruciatingly picky when it comes to guys and if I can find an excuse not to date someone, I will (doesn't have to be a good one either). So when Gregg came along and threw me for a loop, turning my world upside down and making me change my mind about what I want and need, I was thrown for a while. I think it's stupid that I'd want those thing with the one person I can't be with (now or ever I don't know but that's not the point).
So now I'm reverting back to my old ideas and thinking and focused on what I want out of life, which is the nice apartment and the career and the hard working. But I'm so frustrated with my life and family at the moment because I feel like I'm going to be stuck at home forever, taking care of the house like a house wife or something! I resent the fact that my mom hated having a maid and I am now the maid and I run around running a home. This is not the life I ever wanted for myself. I hate that my dad thinks of me as convenient because I don't have a real job and I'm at home studying and I'll always be around to answer the gate when there's a delivery or be here when someone comes to do something in the house or see my mom about something. I'm taken for granted here, it's just assumed I'll always be here and more than anything I want to be on my own, living my own life. And I ask, is that wrong of me to want that? I love my mom and I hate what happened to her but I can't be expected to live at home forever to help take care of the house! My sister has a get out of jail free card because she's getting married and gets to move out into her own house and run her own household while I'm what...being the maid in my parent's home? Does that seem fair?

I'm focused on what I want, where I want to be but every time I think I'm a little closer to getting there, something happens to make me think that I'm going to be stuck at home forever and I can't take it anymore.

Another thing I can't take anymore is the hunger I have for Gregg. I don't want a relationship or a commitment or any of that which is complicated and confusing and messy. I just want to have a very casual physical fling with him and mostly I think it's because he had this way of helping me release any pent up feelings I had within me. Now more than ever I need that release and I can't go to him because for one thing it's wrong and for another, he's afraid I'll get attached. I'm not in love with him anymore, I love him, yes but there's a difference and I just miss his touch and talking to him but I am not looking for anything serious with anyone anytime soon...or ever. I don't think I have it in me anymore. (And can I ask when men started acting like women? All these feelings and over thinking and analyzing! What happened to the straightforward thinking of men being driven by sex? I'm not asking for a serious relationship, I'm looking for a good roll in the sack with no complications and over thinking. If anything I just want to hang out with him, enjoy some physical contact and have some fun because that stuff that I want, I want it and did you notice how marriage and kids were not on the list...maybe one day but not any time soon.)

I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I will say yes to just about anything and try to experience as much as I possibly can. My new moto is, "Go out and make some stories". In other words, go make new memories. Don't over think things, be spontaneous and have as much fun as you can.

That's being going great for me lately, sadly this week I am sick and stuck indoors for the week, which I hate with a passion. I'm feeling a little better now but not good enough to out, which I was supposed to. That kinda got me down 'cause everyone's gonna have fun and I'll have missed out and I'll feel left out again. I hate feeling left out, it's probably the worst feeling in the world for me. I'll just have to live with it this round though.

Anyway, Manny and I had our first date on Sunday night, we went bowling (lol, I know) and then to dinner. It was fun, he was funny and I felt cool around him as usual. I still don't know if I'm attracted to him (granted he's got a little bit of a Hugh Laurie thing going for him, which I find appealing) so I'll have to see. I'm probably seeing him this weekend. We're all going to Betty's bay for the weekend and he's going to be there. I just need to ease into it. I know I'm holding back from him a little, but who can blame me? I'm sure I'll open up eventually. I just wish to hell I could get all the nice memories of Gregg and I out of my head.

I think I've been bottling things up. I haven't really had the energy to vent on my journal for a long time and it's getting to me I think. I'm sort of self-destructing and that's really not good. Things with my mom are so draining but I'm hanging in there, we all are. She's been pretty sad these last few days which is upsetting. My mom and I are very alike and I know if I was in her position, I wouldn't be coping so well.
I still don't know if I'm actually dealing with what's going on or not. I still feel like I'm sometimes just looking at it from the outside, not really apart of my own life and others I think it's just temporary, it'll be fine soon, but it won't. Things will never be the same again. I really need to get out on my own, live my own life but I know my dad is going to need all the help he can get and I feel bad leaving my mom.

And then there's the whole Gregg mess. Where I begin with that I don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe I inherited my Nana's bad habit of being attracted to dysfunction and guys who will just hurt her. It's the darkness in people that brings me closer to them. I can't help it, everyone I've had strong feelings for had that quality. Usually it's never instant, I have to get to know someone for an attraction to build, for that likeness to be recognized but with Gregg it was so different. I looked at him and something within me resonated, something I recognized and was instantly drawn to. My whole life I said, 'Career first. Love is a waste of time, boyfriends are a distraction.' Right up until I was twenty-one I think. I never ever dreamed of giving up living in the States or my independent life to be with someone. I didn't really want to settle down, get married, have kids. (Sure I had a brooding phase where kids would have been nice but I got over that, or came to my senses). But when I was with Gregg, just in his arms, I knew that I would love nothing more than to be with him forever. It was like I'd found someone who completely understood me and I didn't even have to say anything. Saying goodbye was harder and harder each time I had to do it. But clearly it wasn't meant to be and I ask myself, am I that bad at judging?
And even still after all the times he hurt me, I still wish he would want me the way I want him. I might as well be cutting myself. It's like I need the pain to survive or feel alive or something. He made me so blissfully happy and now all he does is hurt me...and yet I feel I still need him.

I need to move on, move past it, like I got rid of the anger years ago. It's just so hard. I want so much to be happy and I thought I was going to be, that it was finally my turn to have found someone, found happiness that would last but I was wrong again.
I'm going to give it a shot with Manny (my sister's friend who's had a thing for me for a while) and I have to try and open up again, give him a shot, see if maybe it could work. He's a nice guy, he might treat me right and I might be happy.

So yeah, roughly three months or something and I get slapped with the 'you're in your own world, you're selfish, you don't do anything around here' lecture. New it was almost time for it's resurface. My sister did an outstanding job of replacing my mom in that area. Silly me, here I am actually having a good day, feeling confident and positive that I can make something of my life if I get my shit together, study hard and look for another job. The upside of getting another job and improving my education? Making more money, moving out and giving a helping hand by giving up room for a live in nurse for my mom and saving my parents money. I was so absorbed in studying that I did not hear the tumble dryer go off (if it did when I was home) and didn't put on the second load of washing. One time I forgot to do this, one time. And I get hit with the, "why do I always have to ask you to do everything? Why can't you do it yourself? You don't help out around here, why must I do everything?" Then my sister loads on me all her pressures, her lack of time to study, her two jobs, errands and everything, she cooks, bla, bla, bla. I am so sick and tired of that. Plus she's all sorry for herself because she has no help planning her wedding (which granted it really sucks that my mom can't be here to help with that) but she does have help and I have offered a number of times but I don't know what to do and she isn't really forward with telling me. She's busy, yes I know, I get that and I do help, I run around to the shops, clean the whole house, fold the washing, put another load in, etc, I clean the dishes, I do my freaking part but it is never good enough. She asks me why I don't go beyond what I am doing, like offer to cook or something. I HAVE!!! A number of times actually but my dad turned me down saying that it was late or something, we'll just get take out. I have cooked a couple of times too but I don't really know anything too simple to just whip up for dinner. I'm slowly learning but I didn't know it was such a big deal. I thought we were okay with her cooking, me washing up but I guess not. (I even offered to clean her flat but got turned down).

I really, in so many ways did not need this today. I'm trying so hard here to help, to make things better to improve my life and help the family out in some way or another. But it is never good enough, I am never good enough and I can't take it anymore. I can't cope with it all. I can't stand being at home anymore. I hide out in my room and I feel bad about that because we should be pulling together right now but I can't. I just can't be around them. I don't know what it is but I just want to be alone. Actually I want my mom but that's not really an option. I'm closed off, I'm aware but I don't know how else to be.

I must be a bitch. I'm not a good person, deep down on some level, I am just mean. I realized this about myself today when I found out that Kate and Chris are no longer together. He dumped her.
Finding out that Chad and Lindsay had broken up broke my heart because I thought for sure they were going to get married. I feel so horrible for Lindsay, my heart is just breaking for her.

On the flip side, I have no sympathy for her sister whatsoever. None. Not even a little bit. The only thoughts I have are, "I told you so. I knew it. I hope she doesn't have any friends and she's all alone." I can only look on the situation and think, why on earth is she heartbroken? Could she not see that he wasn't that into her? She had to beg him to go out with her and take her places while they were living in London. Chris is not boyfriend material, I have never thought he was even when I was slightly attracted to him. But apparently she's heartbroken and I actually couldn't give a fuck at all. I told her she better hope that Chris hangs on forever or she better find a nice replacement, otherwise she's going to end up sad and alone. She chose a a guy over five years of friendship and I knew, I knew for a fact that he would be the one to dump her. I don't feel anything for her. No actually I do, I hope that she is regretting what she did, that she realizes that I was right and is kicking herself for it. Maybe then she'll think twice about replacing her friends for something new and better that comes along.

I had a moment of clarity on Friday and it was amazing. Angels sang and the clouds parted and while I'm not doing back flips over my life at this point I am much happier. I pretty much went through the five stages of grief (is it?). First anger, then denial, depression, bargening and finally acceptance. When I reached acceptance it was pretty much a decision. "I am over this now" I said to myself and you know what? I was. I understood. Everything everyone had been telling me and what I already knew sunk in and I absorbed it, accepted it and decided that I'm worth more and that I will waste no more time on something that wasn't right.

I am still heartbroken but I'm not pining at all anymore. I do not want anything deep or meaningful/serious for a long time and if anything did come along, I'd love to keep it stictly casual ('cause you know, I still get urges and some random, no strings attached action on the side is always fun). I'm done with the 'love' thing for quite a while now and still a little gun shy. But at least I've moved on from wanting someone who didn't want me in the way that I wanted them. It feels awesome and like this weight has been lifted. I feel free, flirty and confident. I think a little of the old me might be peeking through, which I'm okay with.

News on the mom front, I actually do not have the energy to talk about it right now. She was moved to this new place that is supposed to be more helpful to her recovery but at the moment it's just seeming like this big headache and we're not sure if they can handle it. *sigh*

The crying at inappropriate times has got to stop. No, seriously. I was in the gym this morning and just wanted to burst into tears but managed to force them back until I was in the car driving home. I'm crying as I walk in the door way, unpacking stuff from Woolies into the fridge and just collapse onto the floor, sobbing so hard I thought I might be sick.

This has to get easier, please tell me that it does, that I will once again be happy. Because right now I actually can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like I'm sinking into this dark pit of despair where I'll be for the rest of my life and I don't want to be there. I miss my mom so, so much that it hurts. I can't tell her how I'm feeling or talk to her about any of the Gregg stuff and it's making me feel so alone and isolated. I told her everything and she got me, she understood, she could make it a little bit better but now I feel like I'm going through it alone and on top of that, I've got all this worry and pain about my mom being in hospital and wondering if she'll ever be the same again. I feel guilty for taking her for granted and like I'm being punished.

I love my friends and I love that they're trying to help me but I don't think they get what I'm going through. I hurt, not all the time anymore but at odd moments, I physically hurt all over and feel physically sick to my stomach. (If I didn't have such a fast metabolism I wouldn't be eating right now). I keep trying to figure out why this keeps happening to me, what's wrong with me, why I'm not special enough for someone to fall in love with me and why the universe offers me this chance to be happy and then takes it away from me. Everyone keeps asking, 'Aren't you happy that you got a few months of happiness instead of nothing at all?' and I firmly believe and reply that no, I am not. I would rather live in blissful ignorance, not knowing what I missed out on, instead of knowing that I was happy and felt wanted and that I can't have that again. This pain is killing me. I don't want to feel like this forever. I want to go back to being who I was before, happy and confident and okay with being alone. I don't like the person I am right now and I hate that I'm in this much pain. I want to be happy.

I am a sucker for punishment. I keep wondering how something that feels so right, can be so wrong and is it really wrong? And why is this so hard? I've almost made it through week one of my two month break from Gregg but I've found the hardest thing to get rid of is the hope that we will be together, that he'll turn around and realize he misses me and wants me in his life as more than a friend. Can I get that stupid hope surgically removed? That would be great.

Guess what I did today? About a month or so ago, I special ordered Ace Ventura 1 & 2 from Musica because those are his favorite movies and there is a couple of memories attached to references in the movies. So I decided to buy them for him for the hell of it, to make him happy or something. They were sold out throughout the country so I had to order them. Well they finally arrived yesterday. So I wrap them up nicely, attach a note and go through to town to drop it off in his mail box today. I don't know if he got them yet or whatever and I know that I said no contact for two months but I thought maybe I'd at least get a thank you.

I miss him so much. I hate that I'm missing out on two months of his life and that our friendship might be ruined after this but I know if I try to be friends with him now I'll end up hating him because he'll hurt me without even knowing it. I mean, look what happened with Ryan and I. Took a year of us not seeing each other to be close friends again.

Now there's this guy at gym, he's cute, into me, has my number (can't be that into me because he hasn't called yet) but he wants to ask me out. There's a part of me who is keen, but a big part that is not because I'll compare him to Gregg or I'm afraid that we won't have the same spark. I don't understand why the universe dangled this in front of me just to rip it away again. It's so cruel.

I hurt all over. I was so strong today, all day, and I was so proud of myself. I was even smiling and laughing. I was feeling more positive about my mom and thinking that I didn't miss Gregg as much today. Then I don't know what happened but I crashed a bit. I think it was when I went onto Facebook and saw that Gregg had changed his status to read, "Gregg is not bothered by being the bad guy" and I have no idea if that has anything to do with what's going on with us (which it probably doesn't) but it jolted something in me and made me feel physically ill. Then I saw that he had commented on his ex-girlfriend's photos which made me feel more ill, so I promptly deleted him as a friend because I realized that I don't want to know what's going on with him because it hurts and it's making me feel sick. First the statement made me a little miffed and just cemented the fact that I don't want him in my life but then it made me feel stupid and used and like all the crap about him loving me meant jack shit. Again, I'm probably taking it way too personally but I'm a little sensitive to all this at the moment.

What I hate the most really I think is that he's everywhere and friends with just about everyone and I can't escape him. My friends are friends with him and while that hurts a little (considering that by default I'd hate the guy who hurt my friend just a bit) I can't ask them to not be friends with him or even be mad at him.

And when I went to visit my mom I started crying in front of her (something I have been forcing myself not to do because I don't want to upset her) but I just miss her so much. She's the one person I would be telling how much I'm hurting right now and I feel like I have to deal with this on my own because I don't want to bug my friends or make them feel uncomfortable about Gregg or because they don't really know what to say. I don't feel comfortable with talking to my sister because she already has so much going on and at the same time her and Wayne and talking about getting married and stuff and I feel like such a loser who will never find someone who loves her like I love them. I feel like something is wrong with me and that I'm not special and that no one would go out of their way to be with me. And all I want to do is tell this to my mom and hug her and just cry on her shoulder but it's like she's not really there. I miss her so much. It's killing me. I feel sick every time I think about it.

And it was so much easier when I just flat out hated Gregg but I still love him and there's this stupid side of me still holding out for hope of him wanting me and I'm such an idiot because I don't hate him I hate the situation. He can't help how he feels and he's done nothing wrong. I just want this to stop hurting so damn much. I want to be over it now. I want my mom better and I want life to go back to how it was.

I'm done. I'm sick of this roller coaster ride and I want off. Just when I think my mom's getting better, she has a set back (pneumonia and a collapsed lung, which is doing okay now, she's stable), which means she's back on the ventilator and sedation just after the tube came out and she was coming round. Just when I thought I could breathe easy that happens and knocks the air out of me.

To make things worse, I was a fucking moron last night, feeling like shit, downing drinks and locked in Gregg's embrace last night at Tiger Tiger. Long story short, I knew it was a mistake and part of me was using him to feel better but part of me was hoping for more, especially when he said he would call me today because we need to talk. I didn't believe he would but I was hoping and basically all we talked about was stuff I already knew, that he didn't really want me, wasn't that into me (or anyone for that matter), and that he was very sorry about last night and that it shouldn't have happened and that he didn't want to hurt me or fuck me around.

I should have stuck with the two month thing but like a moron I thought we could do the friends thing. Needless to say, it's back on as of tonight and quite frankly I think this helped things because I do not want to see him, speak to him or hear from him ever again. I hate him a little bit...or a lot, I'm not really sure, but I know I hate him for hurting me and messing me around and during the worst fucking month of my life too. I said I don't want to see or speak to him for two months but there's a big part of me that says I don't want to ever again but I know that's impossible since we run in the same circles and I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

I am so tired and hurt and I feel like everything is falling apart and I really, really, really miss my mom right now, which hurts like a motherfucker right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I wish that I had never met Gregg. I wish that I would stop getting hurt. I don't want to do this ever again.

Today seems to be the day that I need to get this off my chest. Honestly, I haven't had the energy or will to write this post for a number of reasons, I think mostly because I was just trying to avoid all the worry, stress and fears I had.
I'm very tired right now, both emotionally and physically and it's just come to that time where I need to get this out there.

I miss my mom so much. I love her so, so much and this is slowly killing me. My mom and I have our fights, drive each other crazy sometimes but at the end of the day, we're two peas in a pod and we are very, very close. She's one of my best friends and while there are things that I would never tell her, I do share a lot of my life with her. I talk to her about love, life, sex, clothes, friends and all that stuff in between. Not being able to talk to her right now while I'm feeling so shitty is so hard I can't describe it and seeing her lying in a hospital bed with IVs in her, tubes down her throat, a machine breathing for her, is heartbreaking. My mom is the strongest woman I know and to see her, the way she is right now, saddens me like nothing I've ever felt before. And now she is not quite whole thanks to the stroke she had (a complication/problem after the op), her speech and right hand will be effected. She may also have problems understanding things but we'll know the extent once she wakes up, (which I really hope is soon). I know it will make my mom so frustrated because she's such a bubbly and talkative person, as well as active. This is going to be very, very hard and heartbreaking. I am still hoping for the best and that things will come right with rehabilitation. Every time I see my mom now I just want to put my head on her chest and cry and cry (tears of relief, joy, sadness). I just want to hug her so badly.

(Edit, I just saw her, and she was awake and knew we were there and looked like she wanted to say something but the tube is still down her throat so she couldn't).

And on top of all my fear and pain of my mom being so sick, I have to try and mend my heart and keep positive and try to move on, cold turkey from someone who I have very strong feelings about. I feel stupid for actually having such strong feelings considering that we never really officially were together and we only went out for two and a half months. I can't say that we're 'broken up' because we weren't even together to start with, so it's all very gray and confusing, which just adds to the pain. The thing is though and this is I think what's crushing me, is that it all happened so fast. I landed eyes on him, spoke to him once and knew there was something about him (and at the time I didn't even know it yet but as I've heard others had picked up on it long before I knew). I was sparked by something, attracted immediately and knew that I couldn't wait around for this one. My whole life, I have never, NEVER been attracted to or 'liked' someone after seeing them just a few times. Usually I have to get to know the person, be friends and then months or even years later I might fall for them but never this quickly.
It was a bit scary but ultimately the most thrilling and exhilarating feeling I had ever felt. I could actually see myself giving up America to be with this person, I could see myself settling down with them somewhere in the future and more than that, I knew I'd like to. Even when I was in love with Ryan, I never saw a future, never thought I'd like to marry him, have kids with him or certainly not give up going to America to be with him. I saw a few years maybe of possible bliss but nothing permanent. And the same goes really for anyone else I've had strong feelings for. People have always asked me, 'If you met someone here, would you settle with them and give up going to the States?' and I always said, 'No. If they want, they can come with me.' And here I meet someone who for a few weeks changed my life and my plans.
The first month we went out, we had this instant connection or bond. It was so easy to talk to each other, tell each other things we'd never told anyone else. I could have stared into his eyes all day, talked to him all night and kissed him all morning.
I've never been a fan of kissing and people told me it was because I hadn't kissed the right person. I'd never believed them before but now I get it. First time we kissed, my knees literally went weak. And now I don't get to kiss him anymore.
The second month is when I should have ended it, right when I felt him pulling away, getting scared, showing that he wasn't over his ex yet or really ready to move on, how selfish he could be and how he didn't really want to 'take care of anyone but himself right now'.

So now I'm trying to move on, cut him out my life for two months (or however long I need), all cold turkey and it's hurting like nothing I've felt before. I took him off Facebook, off MSN, deleted all my text messages to and from him and trying to keep away from things that remind me of him. Sadly though, just about everything reminds me of him. Songs, my long hair, my perfume, some of my clothes, movies, quirks, phrases, you name it.
When Ryan told me his crush for me might be coming back, I jumped at the chance to possibly move on and thought for a moment that my feelings for him might be coming back too. We could help each other get over these two people and possibly start something or just rebound but the moment faded quickly and I know in all honesty, I don't have feelings like that for Ryan any more and I'm not attracted to him like that anymore either. I was out at a club last night and I was watching the door (supposed to be for Ryan) but was hoping to see Gregg. I thought about kissing some random guy, (even Ryan) but I didn't want to. The only person I wanted to kiss was Gregg. The only person I wanted to hold me, was Gregg. The only person I want to lie down next to and talk for hours with is Gregg. I want to rest my head on his chest, feel his arms around me, feel his fingers through my hair, and look at me like I'm the most precious thing he's ever held. I want him. I want him to want me. I want him to move on with his life, get over his ex and be with me but I'm fooling myself and I know it. So I'll just settle for him moving on with his life and finding happiness and love. In these two months, I'm just going to try to move on from someone I could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with...all during the most scary and painful time of my life.
And I feel so stupid at the fact that there’s no way he felt the same about me. All I was, was rebound.

( I'm just not that into you )





( Breaking up is easy, being alone is hard. )

There you go Kirsten and Jeanne, you can see the notes if you haven't been able to get into facebook and see my profile.

I actually haven't had the energy or desire to type this post out but now I feel it's time. As it turns out, my mom actually had a brain aneurysm that burst. They didn't pick it up on the first scan that they did. About a half hour before I'm supposed to go to the airport for Johannasburg I'm informed that my mom had an aneurysm and that they were going to operate on her but not to panic because it's not a serious op. To be honest I had been running around like an idiot that morning cleaning house and clothes and shopping to get ready to go and I was reacting rather than digesting the information so I didn't really think about it. I wasn't sure if I should still go and for some reason I felt that because I paid so much for the ticket that I was obligated to go.

The moment I got on the plane I wanted to go home. I spent one night in JHB (which was a really good night that let me release a lot of worry and tension with my friends) but the next day I spoke to my dad and he informed me that what we were originally told was rubbish and that the op is very serious, without it mom will die and it's about six hours long. I flew home that night (Thursday) and saw my mom, one of the scariest things I've seen and she had her op yesterday at 8 in the morning. We got news at 3pm that she came through fine, no complications and she's looking good. I never want to go through a day like that again.

We're going to see her today (she'll be awake today) but I'm a bit terrified. She'll be critical for the next five days (four now) and can come home in two weeks time. I still feel like it's not real and not happening. It's just too much, too scary.

And oddly enough on one of the worst days of my life I had one of the best nights of my life. It's hard to describe right now but I went to Gregg's new place last night. He was the best comfort I had I think. He didn't push me to talk about it, which I appreciated. We talked a lot and then finally I started to talk about it (I have to add that since all this started I've needed to cry about it but physically couldn't for some reason). So we talked and jumped around with topics and finally he got me to break down and cry. It was good.
We talked some more and then mostly about us and I decided it was best if we were just friends. He said he needed time, he doesn't expect me to wait for him but he would like that. He let me know he loves me as a friend, that he cares about me, that he could see himself with me but knows he can't do it now. I get that. So we're friends. It's not going to be that easy but I'm okay with this. It's best for everyone.

Last night at around 8pm my dad called me to tell me that my mom had taken a funny turn (out in Betty's bay) and that she was been rushed to the hospital. She has extreme hypertension. They were lucky they caught it in time otherwise she could have had a stroke or a heart attack. She's still in the hospital and they want to keep her there until Wednesday. Thankfully her blood pressure has come down quite a bit since last night.

Still, though, she needs to have no stress and it would seem being in this country doesn't allow that. I mean she's lying there today feeling bad because she hasn't paid salaries (and why? because when she wanted to, the people who were supposed to pay us didn't and won't tomorrow because it's a holiday and so we'll have to wait until Thursday for them to pay us).
She was also all stressed out too from the break in mainly because I walked in on it and it completely freaked her out. I had no idea how much it did.

I spent most of today with her so now I'm home sorting things out while my sister and Wayne are there. I just really, really hate hospitals and I really hate feeling useless to help.
I actually can't describe how I'm feeling, I think I'm still a bit freaked out.

I figure this week has shown me something...where I fit in, in Gregg's life. Nowhere apparently. I don't know if it's just because he's been living with his sister for the past week that he keeps running out of town over the weekends but it's getting to me now. Last weekend was Hermanus for a guys weekend (which I don't even have to say is cool 'cause it is) and this long weekend, he went off to George. He got back yesterday sometime and I got an sms today from him, where we chatted a bit. I asked if he wanted to come hang out at my house in this rainy weather but he said he was too tired and asked for a rain check. I said sure maybe I'll catch you next Sunday when I get back from JHB.

I haven't seen him since last week Friday and I hardly heard from him during the week (though I suppose I should feel privileged that I did get any text messages at all). But I mean come on, even casual flings see more action than whatever this thing is. I'm obviously not that important to him and don't make such an impression in his life that he'd miss me.

I was going to wait until the end of May to break this off (or see how he is after he's moved into his flat) but I don't know if I can wait that long anymore. I actually didn't want to see him today but I invited him around anyway, thinking I might change my mind. Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Or does want to be with me but only when it suits him or he has time?
At this moment in time I feel single so I'm thinking I might as well be single. He wants his cake and to eat it too, in other words, he wants to be a single guy but have someone so he's not lonely too. I thought I could do it but I actually can't.

Fuck, what is wrong with me? Why can't I ever just have a normal relationship? Am I so undesirable that no one wants me like I want them?
I'm tired of being the one to put all the effort into this, so I pulled back and didn't and I wonder if he even noticed.

Clearly he is 'just not that into me' because if you are really into someone, you make an effort to see them even if you're busy, or tired, or whatever the hell might be going on. I know I did but that's stupid me isn't it? I keep waiting for him to include me in his life but it's not happening and now I don't see it happening any time soon. He didn't want to hurt me? Well I wonder what the hell he thinks he's doing now?

Scratch that last.

It's very odd but I've embraced the fact that I'm holding off any serious feelings toward Gregg. I say that loosely because I do have serious feelings for him but for the most part I'm keeping that to myself. What I have done though is leg go of any expectation of what this might be or where it might be going. I've let go the seriousness of it. And I'm having fun. I love it! There's no pressure for anything, just enjoying each other's company and presence.

I felt like a right tosser yesterday afternoon when it hit me just how busy and stressed he's been lately with work and moving and all that life stuff that goes with being an adult. After reading something in Cosmo it sort of sunk in that guys do tend to pull away when they're busy like that and what's more, Gregg is not one to ask for help from anyone, no matter how much you offer it. So of course he's been less 'attentive' lately, not so much with the text messages anymore and what not but he does take the time when he has a moment, which I greatly appreciate.

The thing is, I'm okay now if I don't see him during the week or if he's off doing something else for the weekend. It's his life and he's free to enjoy it doing whatever he wants, just as I am. When we see each other, we see each other and it's usually a great time. He wants to have fun, no pressure, just casual, see where this goes and I'm finally on board. I get it. I'm cool with it. And I am having so much fun with it, I mean, really, I'm surprised how much fun I'm having. I guess I get why flings are so much fun now. Wow.

So I'm taking this however it goes, enjoying it for what it is and what will be, will be.
Now, if everyone around me would get off my back and stop putting pressure on me and this, that would be great too, 'cause they are seriously messing with my head.

I wish my brain would shut off for like just a few minutes so I could stop obsessing over things that don’t need to be obsessed over. But that’s me isn’t it? I went through life for like, ten, eleven years not giving a stuff about what people thought of me, whether or not they liked me or whether or not a guy was into me. I mean seriously, I did. I didn’t care. I didn’t over think things the way I do now. I really, really miss those days. At least back then I wasn’t all insecure and wounded…okay I was wounded but I didn’t give a shit about it, in fact I was cool with it.

Sigh. Sad fact is, here I am again, thinking and man I wish it would stop. I have two issues that I shall be venting about, not sure if they relate but hey, here it goes.

This morning I came to the realization that I am not over what Kate did to me and I have not dealt with my feelings and issues over it. I moved on before I could do that because it was actually just too painful to analyze it when it was happening or when it just had happened. Now though I have taken a big step back from it and can see it for what it was. That is what scares the crap out of me the most. This is the biggest issue I have. This is my crippler. I am replaceable. I was replaced with something better. Do not tell me that I wasn’t and that it’s not like that because that’s exactly what it was. That is what she did. She replaced me with something better. Five years of friendship and that’s what she thought of me at the end of the day. I loved her so much. I’d never been friends with someone that for long before, I thought we’d be friends until we died. I would have done anything for her. I even agreed to lie to her parents for her and she knew how much I hated lying to anyone. I would have given my life to save hers. And she replaced me. I meant that little to her.

Ever since then, I have guarded myself against that without actually even realizing it. I’ve kept my distance a bit. I’ve gotten close to my friends but I have now noticed that I’ve held back a bit and I wish I could not do that. I love them more than anything, I’d do anything for them but still, I hold back.
It also makes me wonder whether or not I have much to offer or if people get bored of me. I’m not really that funny, I never really saw myself as stunning or particularly beautiful. I always just figured I was kinda average. (And though Gregg assures me that I’m gorgeous, I just don’t really see it). I’m not incredibly smart, although I do have a lot of general knowledge and like to inform myself on just about everything. So I fear that I might not be that interesting. I fear that once someone gets tired of me, they’ll just replace me.

And now for the second issue which might relate now that I think about it. I’m going through the motions now with Gregg. I’m happy and I’m content with the way things are and how they’re going but there’s this reflex that’s happened where he said he might keep himself from getting attached to me. My reflex is to do the same. So I’m in a way, keeping myself from having feelings for him. I mean I do have feelings for him, but at this moment, they’re not changing. I.e. not getting deeper or not lessening. It’s just, I don’t know if he’s really into me. He will do things or say things that let me know he is and then he’ll do other things or not do something or say something and I’ll think, ‘Maybe I was wrong’. He used to SMS me a lot during the day, he doesn’t do that anymore. We used to make plans and now I feel like I’m the one initiating them all the time. I’m starting to feel like I’m this ‘hanger-on’ and that he’d rather just shake me and move on with what he’d rather be doing.

I hate that I’m feeling this way because when he kissed me, my knees went weak and now I can feel that I’m guarding myself because the physical is now just physical with no meaning, which has made the intensity fade. So now I just feel like I’m doing things to please him, hoping he’ll throw caution to the wind and decide he wants to get attached to me.

I guess I am feeling that I was rebound girl and when he’s had his fun, he’ll give me a ‘Take care’ and send me on my way to replace me with something else or someone else who he could actually love.
I’ve gone into ‘Passing-the-time-mode’ hoping things will get better but not being too sure. I don’t need a boyfriend and never have needed one, so the reason I stay is because there’s something about Gregg…he’s my McDreamy as it were, he makes my world stop but…do I make his stop?

I had a dream, or a day dream or something of the sort today that jarred me out of my happy place for a moment. I was in a car accident and it was bad, I 'woke' from it before I found out what happened but basically it made me think, that last journal entry is not the last one I want to make. I know I'm not gonna die tonight or anything but what I mean is, I don't want that to be my last written thought on my life.

That said, I love my mom, dad and sister with all my heart and I know that they do the best for me, with best intentions and I'm lucky to have such a supportive family.
I love my friends, they are, apart from my family the most important people in my life and I would do anything for them. Lie, cheat and steal for them. I know I'd give my life for them, which most people find to be too intense but that's just the way I am.

For the most part I am happy with who I am now days. I had a lot of issues and problems which I've managed to sort out and change but yeah I do still over think a lot of things, have a load of insecurities and issues but over time I'm sure they'll get sorted out.

I'm not afraid of death or dying and never have been. I am afraid of the unknown, being unwanted, being forgotten and not letting the people I care about know that I care about them.

I want the earth to open up and swallow me. I want to take a blade to my thighs. I want it all to just end. I can't see the light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel. I am tired. I am trying. I feel so confused and alone. I am terrified. I wish I could stop making mistakes and screwing up. I wish I knew if it was possible for someone to fall in love with me. I wish I knew whether or not I should walk away while I'm ahead. I wish I didn't cry so much today. I wish I didn't feel so small and pathetic. I wish I was a better person. I wish there was more than I had done in my life and at school. I wish I could be sure that I won't be hurt again. I wish I would never have to cry myself to sleep again.

This day has sucked.
All I wanted was to just climb into Gregg's arms and let him hold me...but due to the fact that I stuffed up on Sat. night, I ruined things for myself. And things are okay now but I'm not sure if I think they are.
Fighting with my mom sucks. And getting no support from my sister sucks more. I feel so alone sometimes.